The Last Chapter of Vol12
So I guess this is it, the ending of the last chapter of Year 2012. I guess 2012 has been such an eventful year, and once again, like what I hope for at the start of the new year, I hope that year 2013 will be a peaceful one. Like really, a simple and peaceful one. I’ve decided to just hold on to those that really matters the most to me, and till I’ve successfully overcome that monster inside, the rest will just have to go for the time being. I know it’s bad, and I know I’m gonna lose people who matters alot to me, but this is for the best. Like what everyone says, what’s meant to be will be. Those who want to stay will stay no matter how many times I push them away.
*taking out scheduler to see what I’ve done*
First Half of 2012
Had my first part time job at Emit Asia with M and L, which ended at the end of Feb. I can remember the time when I made my first deal in ChungCheng, I was so overjoyed and proud of myself for being able to talk to people and convince them w all the nonsense at how subscribing to iforgotwhatmagazine will help them in their studies. It was like an accomplishment to be proud of. And of course, I still remember I was still so hung up over A at that point of time, and then R’s side view looked just like him that I actually eyecandied him for a period of time and even bought him peppero on the last day of work. ZH even helped me to get his facebook and all. Though it was really tough working, where we have to wake up at 5am on certain days just to travel to schools and all, but it was still fun and I got to know people like ZH who treats me like his little sister (WTHXMM LOL) and being able to get closer to M and L. And of course, despite work being tough, I always turned to A for comfort whenever I was upset during Jan, so it wasn’t that bad.
Days after Jan became tough. A got attached, and I can’t do anything about it but to pretend that I’m not affected by the words people said. And the worse thing was, some said that there were some similarities between me and the girl in terms of facial features. And I guess because of this, I had this thought that if I worked hard enough, I might be able to win A’s heart in time to come. It was just a matter of perseverance and working hard.
Going back for CVD was heart-wrenching. The moment I saw A in front of me, I started to panic and things just went hay-wired inside me. There weren’t any greetings nor eye contacts, and we just avoided each other as if we were strangers.
And so, I turned to fandom for distraction. My life just evolved around Big Bang and 2NE1 when my contract ended. And it worked. I closed myself up, I build my walls so high that I felt nothing towards people except for Jiyong and Bom&CL, and of course my dear JJ. I started rebuilding myself, stronger and better, and I sort of accomplished that at the end of June, just before school reopened. I learnt how to head out to shop alone, watch a movie alone, and just sit and have my meals alone. It was sad and lonely, but I was proud of myself for being able to do all these. I wasn’t born to be independent, and it took a lot of courage for me to accomplish all these. And I did, because of that one reason.
And then, there was my dear JJ events in March and April. My dear boy never fails to bring smiles to my face, despite the short duration and all. I guess, up till now, he is the only one whom I’m willing to wake up at 8 in the morning just to queue for an event that starts at 6/7 at night. But of course, it’s different because there will be eye contacts no matter what, and JJ will be himself with all his teasings here and there. I remember him not being himself during the event in March. He gave me that distant feeling and all when he was on stage, and I heard from I that he wasn’t that friendly during the interview. But when we went up for our a/s, JJ was pretty much himself already and he starting teasing me as usual (LOL) Sigh, I miss JJ already ):
Despite the fact that I closed myself up, I managed to meet up with friends who mattered the most several times, and I really cherished those moments alot. Stayover at L’s house, meetups w that special friend of mine, meetups w girlfriends, genting trip, meetups w the girls, be it in groups or individually, and most important, meeting M.
Second Half of 2012
Then came the second half of 2012. School wasn’t that bad, and I really put in that effort and made it a point to study everyday if it’s possible. I wanted to do well in my course, and I want to make the money and time travelling and everything worthy. And so I did. I studied hard, but I played hard too. There were still meetups w the girls and girlfriends, despite the fact that everyone were busy w their school life and all. Speaking of school, I’ve also got to know a group of WOLz kids who I’m able to click w, esp Cool Girls and also M.
July and Aug was quite complicated though, with all the approaching from strangers and stuffs and I was pretty much not into anyone cause of A. So I just played along, got bored and that was it. I sound bitchy here but yeah, that was what I was doing when school started. I just played along, w not much feelings being put in because I knew no matter what, they can’t be compared to A.
July was also the month where Ahgong left us. The pain I felt, the emptiness inside me, I know they’re nothing as compared to those Papa felt, but it’s there. It was during that time when I realised how strong my papa got to be despite the fact that everything is going wrong. He can’t do anything, but to accept and make the best out of it, to fight against his emotions and keep them in control as he handle the rest of the things that’re required. Respect, that’s what he got from me at that time.
And then, somewhere, somehow, Baby came into my life and started playing a role that I’ve never imagined her to play. Despite the fact that things hasn’t been smooth for the both of us since the start, I’m just hoping that everything will turn out right for us, and that we’ll be able to start the year right and hold on to everything for as long as possible. I’ve never realised how much I’m able to love someone, how much I’m able to care and feel for someone, how much I’m able to fight.. I haven’t realised all these, until I know Baby. It’s saddening, thinking of how there’s a possibility that I might lose Baby in the future, cause I know and I’m sure that if this ends badly, it’ll be the first and last time I’m gonna allow myself to be in a relationship. Being with BBYF allows myself to know who I am when I’m in a relationship, and I know that I’m hurting her even as I type. I’m a monster, and I’m not suitable to be with anyone cause of my personality. I push and pull people and this is the way I am. I fight and I pull back but I fight again and I pull back and then fight again. It’s bad, and I know it’s bad. But this is the way I am, and I guess I’m just.. not girlfriend material. And I’m fine with this. As long as everyone around me are happy, I’ll be fine.
Even though it’s been only 49 days since we got together officially, it felt like it’s been a long time and I feel like we’ve been through so much, and I’ll be so god damn foolish to let you walk out of my life just like that. But I know I can’t be so selfish to just hang on to you cause I really want you to stay. I’ve no idea what should I do to make the best out of everything. I love you and I need you so much and I really want you to stay in my life, but the thought of you struggling just to stay hurts me. Is this love worthy enough for your struggles? You are more thn worthy for me, to fight hard, to overcome anything, to fight for you. But that’s also because I’ve a stronger character thn you, or rather I choose to believe that I’m strong and I’m able to tune out whatever negativity in me. But you’re more of the sensitive type, and it hurts me, to see you struggling. Is my love enough for you? Am I right for you, for you to struggle just for me? I’ve no idea… But as long as I see a reason to, I’ll continue loving you. I’m sorry for being bad tempered at times, and having all those impulsiveness inside me, but as long as I’m given a chance, I’ll fight hard to keep my emotions in check. It’s always about you baby, and I hope you’ll be able to see your importance in my life as time passes.
So, I got a girlf in the second half of 2012, and I got even closer to alot of my friends cause of my B problem.
For a start, I got closer to E, who was there for me from the start, be it in B or in my r/s problems. The feeling of being able to have someone who really understands my emotions and thinking is really awesome. And we’re also able to talk things out and understand the situation clearly on either side whenever we’re on our impulsive mode.
And then, there’s L, who will always spend so much time typing essays after essays for me and listening to me and talking all the logic to me. I guess, after everything, me being an illogical and irrational person, I’m only able to absorb L’s logic and rational. Sometimes I wonder why what did I do to deserve L being here for me.
And then there’s DJJ and ZH, my two guy friends who give me a brotherly feeling. Though I hardly meet them and all, but the fact is that I know that they will be there for me whenever I need them, and that they will be there listening to my nonsense and that’s what matters the most.
And of course there’re so many others out there, like my special friend, and my dear JJ who I love having one-sided convos w.
And I’m glad that I got to sort of talk things out w A during his birthday, and tell him honestly everything I’d felt. And so.. I can finally say that everything is over.
But then again, I’ve lost a few friends here and there, but I’m trying my best to get them back in life. Come to think of it, it’s silly, letting people go for stupid reasons, cause of ego, cause of pride, cause of tiredness.
Life is a battle, and we just have to put in our best efforts to survive. Whatever the case is, do whatever we want to make things happen. We can create miracles if we believe in ourselves.
2012 is coming to an end, and as I wait for 2013 to arrive, I hope that I’ll be able to accomplish a list of aims I’ve in mind.
- Recover from B
- Stick to my diet plan
- Achieve my ideal weight and stop my obsession
- Start saving money from my allowance
- Good grades (gonna start studying once Meimei start school)
- Pack and have a mini renovation of my side of the room before school starts
- Do more art
- Get stronger and better
- Stay positive
- Read more books
- Be a better person
- Learn baking and cooking
- Have a fixed sleeping routine so that I’ll be able to study properly when school start
- Baby to be happy regardless of whatever happens at the end of the day
- Shower baby w love and presents
- Hope Baby’s 22 birthday will be good
- Do a 1001 things w baby
- Make sure that Baby is strong and healthy and eating regularly
- Meet up w people more often and learn how to cherish them
- Talk things out w A and F
- Try not to neglect anyone of my friends anymore
- Learn to compromise and give time to everyone
- Be there for people whenever they need someone
- Overseas trip w S
- Club w girlfriends
- Keep my dear lilcreepygirl in my life forever and not let her walk away
There’re still many more and this is just part of it I guess. May 2013 be a better year for everyone.
Close some doors. Not because of pride, incapacity or arrogance, but simply because they no longer lead somewhere.Paulo Coehlo (via djibouting)
I cried, for happiness, for sadness, but most of all, for emptiness.Daul Kim (via fakeville)